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Ass

Chapter One — Don’t use Electronics when drunk.

Hmm, the broad sky is such a deep blue today, like those endless summer days when I was a kid, playing on my uncle’s farm, laying in the long grass listening to the warm, soft wind rustle through the wheat crops, staring up into the vibrant blue sky…

“Mr. Spence, James?” My attorney, Aaron, tried to get my attention.

“Oh sorry Aaron, I was… it’s a great view from here, isn’t it? We’re twenty-five stories up. You can see the ocean from here, look out to the west.” I said to him as if in a daze.

“Hmm, Mr. Spence — James, your papers are here, ready to sign if you like.”

“Thanks, Aaron, so a couple of scribbles, I’m single again. Wow, that was easy, costly, but easy.

Signing my divorce papers, I brought a chaperone, my best friend since I was five years old came with me to make sure I followed through. There is no doubt, I wanted out of this loveless marriage, amazing the things you get yourself into when you’ve had too much to drink.

“Signed, sealed, and here’s a cashiers check for the agreed value, please make sure she gets it, Aaron, won’t you.”

I put the pen on the paperwork, pushing over to him as I slowly exhaled.

“Come on Dave there’s a bar with our name on it calling me.”

We all stood up, shook hands, a few of the office staff came in congratulating me on starting out again.

“Remember to have some fun James okay,” Aaron said.

Dave and I walked to the lifts. We pressed the button, a few seconds later came the ding.

“Righto, let’s go.”

Stepping into the lift I pulled out my cell phone, keying my code, checking the numerous messages that I had been sent. Dave was talking to someone in the background clearly planning something.

Should I preorder Tylenol now? The ding of the lift arriving on ground floor snapped me back to the here now. Stepping out of the elevator…

A buddy of mine once told me, ‘Every journey begins with a single step.’ I am sure that come from someone famous, but it seems appropriate. That’s what this feels like. About ten minutes ago, I was standing in the conference room on the 25th floor of the massive windowed building behind me; now I was standing in the paved courtyard bathed in sweet, warm sunshine, headed out to the street.

Unfortunately, we had divided all our marital assets, and I had to sell my house, giving her half the proceeds. I definitely got screwed on that deal financially, but personally, I was happier than I have had ever been. A sense of freedom washed over me, without a second thought, wearing a grin from ear-to-ear, the world felt so much better, the sunshine was warmer, everything smelt .. so much stronger, sweeter.

“I’M FREE!” I screamed loudly, followed by a tension relieving laugh.

I probably looked like a bit of a fool, but what did that matter? — I was FREE. People who had been walking through the courtyard to get to the building mumbled congratulations as they passed by me while they wore little smirks. I just grinned at them.

“Very mature, James.”

A shiver ran down my spine hearing that voice. I turned around to find my ex-wife Tracey glaring at me with disdain, a hand on her hip. So I did the most mature thing I could think of.

“Thank you,” I said grinning.

I bowed, sweeping my arm in front of me, with a thousand watt smile on my face I just couldn’t move.

“WOOT!” I yelled, then blew out a breath looking at our surroundings.

“You’re an asshole,” she spat.

Tracey stepped around me, stomping off in heels that were two inches too tall for her tiny frame.

“Have a nice life, Sweetheart,” I called out, spinning around to watch her walk away.

My very earnest well wishes were returned with her middle finger as she kept walking. I wondered if she knew how ridiculous she looked trying to walk in those things. Ha! Not my problem anymore.

I turned around, to find David was standing ten feet away.

“She’s gone now—you can come close, you don’t have to hide anymore.”

Dave caught up as I was walking to the car. The only thing she could not get her hands on was my truck. That was never going to happen. It was a thing of beauty. I never thought a shiny red truck could make me so happy, but I think I was in love with my F250. I laughed to myself.

“Hey Dave, do you think they would let me marry my truck?”

Dave stared at me for a second then replied, “Idiot.”

We both burst out laughing. Unfortunately, I was not watching where I was going and nearly knocked over an elderly lady. I put my hands out and grabbed her before she fell. But unfortunately, she had dropped her groceries. Dave immediately started picking them up for her.

“Ooh, sorry there, Ma’am, are you okay? I didn’t mean to scare you, I’m so happy I just got divorced.” I told the woman.

Why am I telling a complete stranger something I should not be too proud of?

But I am definitely happy that it had happened.

“That’s canlı bahis nice dear, you seem happy,” she said.

Oh, I am!

We then walked up to my truck.

“Let’s go and get a skinful.”

We made our way back to my home. When I say home, I mean my parents’ place; for the time being. Oh my God! So have to remedy that situation, and in a hurry. I am a soon to be thirty-year-old firefighter living at home with Mommy and Daddy. Kill me, kill me now! Anyway, we individually had a leisurely shower and a quick bite to eat. Dave never passed up an opportunity for my Mom to feed him. I could hear her saying to him from the next room.

“Oh, Sweetheart, you’re just not eating, look how thin you’ve gotten.”

Shaking my head at Mom’s theatrics, it is like we are back in school. Walking back into the kitchen when Mom asked.

“Do you need your father to drop you off somewhere?”

“No thanks Mom,” I waved my phone in the air, “the Uber has got it sorted.”

I am a responsible drunk at least, if there is drinking, there is no driving.

..o0o..

The Island Bar is a gay bar where Dave and our mates hang out. I do not go out with them very often, but sometimes it was nice to go out without any lady dramas. Now I am not an ass or anything, but I seem to get a lot of attention from the ladies, well most people. I’m the sort of person that will strike up conversation with random strangers. Doesn’t matter, anywhere really, coffee shops, grocery store, the line to the bar, seriously, anywhere. It’s just nicer to chat with people than staying silent, right. That used to drive Tracey crazy. When I first got married, I would ignore them or set them straight, but toward the end of our marriage, it was nice to have someone, anyone who wanted to actually talk to me.

“Jamie!”

I turned around to see Dave standing behind me.

“The guys are over in the booth,” Dave flicked his head in their direction, “I’m getting the first round—you want a beer?”

“I thought it was gonna be just you and me.”

I was a little disappointed, but the more the merrier when you’re celebrating right?

“Don’t be like that; Jack called while you were in the shower. He told Louis and so on and so on. Look on the bright side, more people to buy you drinks to celebrate. It will save you a packet.”

My friend laughed, and I nodded with a smile and walked over to our friends. The guys all hollered and whooped while I approached them.

“Hey, single guy,” Gavin grinned.

“About time you came over to our side,” Ty laughed.

“Ding dong the witch is dead,” Jack sang.

“Congrats mate, so not sorry to see her go,” Louis said.

He stood up and hugged me, slapping me on the back, then indicated for me to sit down in the booth. It seems that my friends had plenty to say. While they ripped the shit out of my ex-wife for all our amusement, I took a look around the place. The name Island Bar doesn’t really suit the bar; it is dark and dingy, and always smells the same—like stale beer, stale air, puke, and sex. The whole place could do with some sprucing up and new furniture.

“Here we go boys, get them into you.”

Dave put down a tray full of drinks on the table, and it was a free for all to grab your own beer. David put a Jaegermeister shot in front of each of us. He ran the tray back to the bar then took his seat back in the booth. Dave picked up his shot, so we all followed suit, then he commenced his toast.

“To Jamie, his newly found freedom. Here’s to being young, dumb and full of c –“

“Crap,” I laughed, “you’re all full of crap.”

The guys all laughed, nudging each other and pointing fingers.

“Here’s to good friends who don’t desert you when you make stupid decisions. To good friends.” I said.

I held my shot up in the air over the table, and we all clinked our glasses.

“To good friends,” They all repeated.

We gulped down the shots, slamming the small glasses on the table laughing. The celebration of my freedom had begun. It was invigorating, no more stress, no more arguments, just no more. I should never have married Tracey in the first place.

We met at a function, her uncle had brought her along as his date to an awards night. Dirty work fuckin’ pervert. Anyway, she was trying to hide from him, and we got to chatting. She was your typical bleach blonde, too much makeup, fake nails, fake eyelashes, fake, fake, fake. You would have thought that would tip me off, but what can I say, I was only twenty-one, I am a sucker for a pretty face. I helped her hide from her uncle in a sea of uniforms and bland colored gowns. Tracey made me feel like I was the only person in the room. Next thing you know I’m married to a banshee and my twenties are gone. Everything was a fight or an argument, nothing was ever good enough. I wasn’t rising through the ranks, I didn’t make enough money, my job was too dangerous, my hours were not conducive to her timetable, she didn’t like my friends, blah blah blah. Gah!

Who bahis siteleri gives a shit now, it’s done and dusted. This is a celebration. Ty pulled me out of my head.

“Oh my god, do you remember that Jamie?”

All my friends were laughing, they had tears practically running down their faces. I could not help but smile along.

“Remember what?” I laughed at no idea what.

“That valentines day we got a call out to the boyfriend bonfire?” Ty waved his hand, “Anyway, Jamie was sent into the house to check the inside. He was coming down the hallway, as he passed the bathroom a drunk guy comes out baling Jamie here,” he threw his thumb in my direction, “up against the wall and lays a wet juicy one on him and grabbed his junk. Nine chicks sitting in the backyard, too close to the house burning all the ex-boyfriends stuff. One guy at the sad sac party and he chooses the one straight firey to hit on.”

I huffed out a laugh. What else can I do, none of my friends know I am bi. There never seemed any point bringing it up since I married Tracey. So I had just kept it to myself all this time.

“I’ll have you know he said I was hot and a great kisser, thank you very much.”

My friends all lost their shit laughing at my deadpan delivery. I couldn’t hold the straight face very long and ended up laughing along with them. The next hour or so went the same way, funny stories from our past, more beers, and more shots. We were all having a good time, this is great, I have missed hanging out with these guys. It is nice that we have not lost a step even though I had not been hanging out with them much lately. Individually we were all in contact and saw each other, but as a group, I had not been able to manage it.

“So Jamie, how did you go with that promotion you went for?”

“Ugh! God Gav don’t remind me,” I groaned, scrubbing my face with my hands.

“Tracey’s uncle was on the interview panel, how do you think I went?”

“Dude that sucks, haven’t you been acting in the job for like six months?”

I nodded my head answering Louis as a took a long draw of my beer.

“Yep, doesn’t matter though. There were four jobs, fifty odd applicants, you do the math.”

“Shit man, do you think he held you back?” Gavin asked sympathetically.

I shrugged my shoulder, “Who knows, there’s always going to be someone better suited no matter what job you go for. I applied for a transfer to another district, but the asshole did block me on that one with a bad review.”

“You should come and get a job with us,” Ty said sincerely, “they’re always looking for guys.”

Ty worked in the metropolitan fire service. Since he left rural and went to metro, he’s always trying to get me to make the switch.

“Ty’s right, but before you do that why don’t you take some time off and travel. You always said you wanted to go back to the States. Granted, without your parents this time.” David piped up.

“You have a passport right?” Louis said excitedly.

“Yeah, of course, I do,” I answered.

“You can afford to go at the moment, yeah?” Ty said.

“I suppose, but I was going to use that money as a deposit on another house.”

“You don’t have to spend it all knucklehead, when you get back you would still have enough for a deposit.”

I forgot that I had told David about my finances. It’s not something I would usually discuss with anyone, but he helped me figure everything out so I could get rid of the ex-missus with minimal damage.

“Come on, Jamie, you have to do it. You’re in a position any of us would kill for. You get to travel, do what you want, see what you want, do who you want,” Gavin was laughing as he finished off his beer.

You know when you’ve had just that little bit too much to drink, and everything seems like a good idea? Well, this sounded like a great idea. My friends are excited, which in turn I am now getting excited about it. A trip by myself, no one to answer to. Sounds like fucking heaven to me.

“Why not, I don’t have any responsibilities. It’ll be great.” I held my bottle up to toast with the guys. (and back to past tense)

..oOo..

BANG!

“Fuck!”

I sat up straight, and threw my legs over the side of my bed. As my feet hit the floor, I was ready to run for my gear until I realized it was my Mom. Oh god, my head felt like it has been hit with two house bricks. I suddenly realized none of my clothes fitted properly, pulling at the tee I was wearing and when I stood the shorts jammed up my crack and half my junk was sticking out the bottom.

“James, those pants don’t fit. You seem to be… out.” Mom said pointing.

I looked down, the boys had come out to play. Fuck my life. I stared at my Mom blankly.

“Some of your friends are spread out over the living room. It smells like a brewery in there.”

“Okay Mom, I’ll go get them up shortly and air the room out for you.”

“Well don’t light a candle in there, else you might want to ring work first,” Mom smirked.

As bahis şirketleri she walked off, I heard a murmur from behind me. Turning around I was surprised to see the bed cover moving and dark brown hair sticking out the top. A pair of beautiful deep chocolate eyes staring at me and a sleepy voice.

“Morning, how are you, Jamie?”

I bit my bottom lip, “Good thanks,” I replied.

Having no idea who was in my bed, but obviously the owner of these shorts.

“Are you coming back to bed?”

I leaned over and gently closed the bedroom door. Still having no idea who the person was, I walked toward the bed when my guest sat up.

“My shorts look sexy on you,” said the voice that belonged with those sexy eyes.

I could feel my neck heating up, and a dryness in my throat the blush running up into my face as I realized most of my junk was outside the shorts. My head was pounding, and I still had no idea who the hell this guy was, why was he in my bed, and why the hell do I have his clothes on. To save face, I slid back in between the sheets next to him.

“You remember my name don’t you?” his voice now low and sultry.

Oh God, save me, what is his name?

“Hey Jamie? You said you were in heating and cooling, but this shirt says fire service.”

“It’s all about perspective,” I answered with a yawn. Ow, my head.

The door flew open, Gavin falling through it, not even seeing there was someone in the bed with me.

“Oh my God do you remember the hot guy you picked up last night? The last time I saw you, you were doing a fireman carry out the front door with him.”

“Yeah that was fun,” came the muffled voice of my bed companion from under the covers.

The look of shock on Gavin’s face as he pointed to the lump in my bed was priceless. It was Mastercard moment. I burst out laughing, oh my God, this is so ridiculous.

“I should probably introduce the two of you, Gavin this is…”

A muffled voice from under the covers called out, “Sam.”

Gavin and I looked at each other, trying not to laugh.

“Well singlehood has started with a bang,” he said with a smirk.

“Ha! I guess so,” I said pulling the covers down exposing a twink covered in Sharpie.

A big arrow drawn down his back pointing to his ass with the quote, ‘Insert hose here.’

Gavin laughed so loudly the guys from the living room piled through the door. My bed companion was trying to reach for the blankets. The only comment I heard above the laughter came from Louis.

“Ah! That’s what you wanted the Sharpie for.”

After the laughing died down, I kicked everyone out of my room.

“Get out, I want to get dressed, so unless you want to see me naked…”

“Dude you’re talking to five gay guys. YES! We want to see you naked, but not until you do some trimming… That shit could take someone’s eye out.” Ty said pointing to my crotch.

Again remembering the boys were out. Crap!

“Come on boys, food’s up,” Mom yelled through the house.

Thank God, saved by my Mom for once.

..o0o..

I sat down at the kitchen table with my friends, setting my phone down. Mom had put on a spectacular spread for breakfast. The only people missing were my Dad and Ty. He must be in the loo.

“Where’s Dad?” Hopefully not in the loo with Ty or Sam.

“He’s at your brother’s place, something about plumbing.” Mom waved her hand dismissively.

“Do you think it’s too late to adopt Mason out?” I laughed.

Dave was sitting across from me. His expression changed, so I knew what was coming I ducked toward my plate. Mom’s hand still connected with the back of my head.

“That’s your brother,” Mom said, chastising me.

“Yeah, well, I wanted a third sister.”

“He’s older than you,” she said an octave higher than her normal voice.

I shrugged my shoulders; doesn’t change the fact does it? Mom clipped me upside the head again while my friends all broke out laughing around the table around the table.

“Ow, what was that for?”

“I know what you were thinking,” she said, while laying a plate of pancakes on the table to go with the full English breakfast spread out in front of us. She does love to look after her cubs. “Now where’s Ty? TY…”

He chose that moment to walk past the kitchen opening. Ty was walking my bed companion to the front door, distracting him away from the attention of the breakfast crowd.

“Yes, it is a shame,” Ty clucked his tongue, “but that’s the life of a firefighter, always on call.”

We then heard the front door shut. A couple moments later Ty sat down at the table, glaring at me.

“You owe me one mate, big time, what on Earth did you do to that guy last night? Except for the graphic art, that is. Very tasteful by the way “And on that topic, why were you with a guy?”

“Oh my God, shut the eff up,” I said through clenched teeth, indicating my head towards my Mom. My face was burning hot, my ears felt like they were on fire. Son of a bitch!

“Oh, morning, Mrs. Spence. You look lovely. Thank you for breakfast, it all looks wonderful.” Ty smiled cheekily as he loaded up his plate.

Asshole!

Mom put a pitcher of orange juice on the table, her face pained her eyes narrowed.

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